Every election cycle, much of the public goes into a defensive posture like a Koopa retreating into its shell. Why? Because chances are some politician is going to come along any minute and jump on us with robocalls, attack ads, and door knocking! But what would these politicians look like in Nintendoland? As it turns out, some of them already have counterparts! Here are the mainstream candidates, and their similarities to Nintendo’s cast of equally colorful characters.
See? Video games make everything better!
Donald Trump – Bowser
Bowser, like Trump, is defined by his quest for power, hostile takeovers, and repetitive dialogue! But a more direct similarity is that The Donald and the koopa king have the same hair! Okay, sure, we could say this about Legend of Zelda villain Ganondorf as well, but Bowser and Trump also share a pattern of drama involving blonde women. Advantage: Bowser.
Both Trump and Bowser possess fiery tempers, spikey attacks, and oddly stubby fingers for their respective sizes. And the Trump campaign has a lot in common with Bowser’s driving style in Mario Kart: high top speed and a lot of weight to throw around, but he’s going so fast that he keeps driving over banana peels and spinning out of control!
Hillary Clinton – Samus Aran
One wears pantsuits, another wears armor. Both fight as well as the guys. In fact, I’m pretty sure Hillary’s at the point where some people don’t notice she’s female, just like Samus in the original Metroid! Both these ladies have long histories in the public eye, and some of that history has been connected to controversy — Hillary has Benghazi, Samus has a bikini! As Secretary of State, Hillary spent most of her time fighting threats the Chozo… I mean the US government… unintentionally created.
The other thing these two ladies have in common is that some people are more hung up on their clothes and shoes than their achievements. Neither Samus or Hillary can be all things to all people, and they’ve had some missteps along the way – Hillary’s email debacle was her Metroid Other M. But at the end of the day, they both tend to be the most competent, if not the most popular, option available when you need some heavy artillery.
Bernie Sanders – Kirby
Bernie Sanders’ greatest strength, like Kirby, is that he keeps taking everything in and grower stronger for it. He’s a plane! He’s a tank! He’s a submarine! And he’s strangely cuddly! Sadly for Kirby and Bernie, they don’t have the deep corporate pockets of their brand-mates. Clinton and Mario are both better funded and get more media attention. But Bernie and Kirby have a “hipster” status that is part of why their fans love them! Bernie and Kirby fight for the little guy, and they aren’t too proud to admit they’re stronger with the help of others. Maybe we should call Bernie supporters “Waddle Bees”?
Bernie will fight off the grabby invisible hand of Capitalism like the weird floaty hand in Kirby and the Rainbow Curse! And that’s the problem: some people won’t see Sanders or Kirby as anything but a pinko.
Ted Cruz — King Dedede
Some voters love Cruz when he drops the hammer! Others think his ideas make him the King of Dreamland. Both leaders’ zaniest edicts are mostly ignored by the general population. Both of these guys aren’t really taken as a serious threat until you have to fight them one on one. Then you get annoyed by the button mashing.
Although neither Cruz or King Dedede is terribly popular, and both are accused of being greedy, you can’t take away from them that they’ve managed to reach great heights harnessing the power of inhaled air.
John Kasich — Bob-omb
Most people perceive John Kasich as a generic also ran, and there are rumors that if you get to close to him, you risk being in a blast radius. But Kasich, like Bob-omb, actually creates a path forward if you direct him properly, especially when it comes to clearing obstacles.
Unfortunately, Mario handling Bob-omb runs the risk of his temporary ally blowing up in his face, which is probably what Kasich voters outside of Ohio struggle with too: sure, you can use him to break down that next wall, but that might bring you face to face with Donald Trump… I mean Bowser!
Edit: Someone on twitter asked me who the Libertarian and Green Party candidates matched. I said the Donkey Kong family, because they’re the monkey on the back of the political press!
(Note: This comedy article was considered too controversial for corporate gaming media. If you want more content like this, please consider contributing to my Patreon)